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Bio of a talented South American footballer – The G.Diss Report

July 25, 2009

With all the big money being spent by The Citizens and Real Madrid, I thought it would be interesting to write from the view of a poor but talented South American footballer. Many have gone through this, including some of the greatest players ever graced the world stage, such as fat Ronaldo, Batistuta, Alfredo Di Stefano. I am not a writer but I’m going to have a go at this, sarcastically, so I would appreciate all feedback.


I grew up in a poor city, where it was common to be educated up to elementary level. Back then, it was not unusual for a 12 year old to be working a grown man’s job, and being paid peanuts but I had to help my family. My mother took care of my other 10 siblings, and my dad either shot himself dead or is in prison for something trivial. I knew I don’t want to live this life and if there was one thing I was good at, it was futebol. It’s my only chance.

The sight of a ball can make so many children happy, me included, and I knew I could make a living out of it. I’ve seen Ronaldo dry up the euros of many a club, and I don’t see why I can’t do just that. I started working extra hours, so I could have extra money for bus fares to attend training sessions at a club 200kms away every week. My mother was not happy. She thought I was just wasting my time. She screamed at me, and scolded me for being silly, and I cried. But in the back, I saw her cry too. I wanted to make her proud of me. I wanted by siblings to be educated, and not a dumb ass like me. I HAD to make it!

I knew I was talented. A man approached me after one of the games and said he wanted to buy my rights, and gave me 2 bags of rice and I said OK! My mother was happy, and surprisingly asked me to play more football. By the time I was 15, I was training with the first team of the biggest club in Argentina. The European scouts have definitely been watching me! I just scored a fantastic bicycle kick, and finished top scorer in the Under-19s World Cup!

Soon enough the calls from Europe were calling! But it wasn’t Milan, Barcelona, or Manchester United as reported in the papers! It was the likes of St Etienne, CSKA Moscow and FC Twente who wanted me. It wasnn’t what I expected and I was confused. How can this be? Should I sign the contract? What if I never get noticed again? Or should I stay here and wait? Not a problem! I will sign on the dotted line anyway. At least I can play for a few seasons in the UEFA Cup, and then get myself an EU passport! Wait! My Great Grand Mama is Italian! Well, she cooked great pasta once according to my mama and pasta is not a common diet in South America. So I should be able to get an EU passport.

I signed my first European team, and convinced everyone including myself that FC Twente is a big team, and I’ve always wanted to play in a relegation battle in the Dutch’s league. As the first season went by and I was voted the club’s player of the season and for the league. Hooray! Now to get the big boys! It’s the pre-season Rubbish Cup, and the giants of Benfica, Bayer Leverkusen, and Bordeaux have enquired about me. I played and made an impression, and suddenly I got a call from the club’s President and was told I’ve been sold for “a lot of profit“. I did it! Big time. I’m happy! My mother is happy! Everyone is happy! Until I found out I was sold to 1860 Munich! “Who? Bayern Munich, you mean?” I asked. “No! The other Munich, 1860 Munich“. Damn it!

All is not bad though, eventually I received my EU passport. The Italian Government finally acknowleged my Great Grand Mama’s ability to cook pasta, so now I have Italian as my 2nd nation. Who cares! I’m already playing for my country, played in the biggest stage – the World Cup. Unfornately our nation got eliminated in the semi-finals. Good news though, I was noticed again and after just one season in the other Munich club I was transferred to Real Madrid. The club were building a new project the media called “Galacticos v5.0”. Finally, I am a Galactico. We didn’t win anything but we were living the life. Sex, champagne and more sex. We were Rock n’ Roll stars and religion rolled into one. In fact, John Lennon once said the “Beatles are bigger than Jesus“. Well, we were bigger than both combined.

I stayed there for 3 years before moving to AC Milan where footballers just past their peak are forever needed. There I learnt about the land of my “heritage”. I learnt to speak Italian but they still called me a foreigner! I think its because I still haven’t got the hang of the hand gestures.

Towards the end of my contract, I couldn’t get a new deal anywhere. I was 35 and injuries crepting up on me. Not a problem. I can always go to France, where they love paying old creaking, expired players or, I could go to Saudi Arabia, where my name (in Arabic) will sell t-shirts and replica jerseys. I moved there, and after one season, decided to retire.

I’ve led a hard life, and deserved every bit of penny I’ve earned. That is why I am writing this book. Or rather, someone is writing it for me but it’s still my book. And I know YOU are gonna buy it!


3 Comments leave one →
  1. July 26, 2009 12:31 am

    LOL. its so un-pc, its funny. hopefully, our one south american reader wont get too offended by this.

  2. Jason Lee permalink
    July 26, 2009 7:09 pm

    Obviously a player should be delighted to play for FC Twente. So in the end a smart choice.

  3. glamorousdiss permalink*
    July 26, 2009 10:43 pm

    yup FC Twente is better than De Graafschapp or Willem right? I think they’re in the Uefa cup or UCL but definitely in Europe!

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