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Northern Downpour

June 6, 2009

Alan Shearer’s appointment on April fool’s days has proven two things; the England squad of the 1996 European championships have bequeathed us the worst set of English managers to ever grace the sport, and that Mike Ashley is a bit of a gimp.

But alas, to blame Newcastle’s downfall simply on the basis of bad managerial decisions would be harsh. Whats that faithful reader? Who else is to blame? I hear you ask? Well that answer is fairly obvious. Blame God.

The milk is spilt and there is no need to cry. The club is already relegated and with all this talk about players’ contracts not including any relegation clauses, we’ll be expecting quite a few of these players back in the premiership next season.

Jonás Gutiérrez

Jonás Gutiérrez to Bolton Wanderers? Maybe its the flowing locks or his tendency to cut in from wide positions but theres something about this Argentine midfielder that reminds me of a certain David Ginola. Why? Bolton have always functioned well with a central creative figure in the team, the names Jay Jay Okocha and Nicolas Anelka spring to mind and I believe this 26 year old has enough trickery to fill that vacancy and yet enough verve to stay true to Bolton’s mantra of chugging the ball into the penalty area in hopes that Kevin Davis scores.

Jose Enrique

Jose Enrique to Tottenham Hotspurs? Also known as ‘This is what Frank Ribery would look like without the scars’ or in short (and in reality) as ‘The Bull’.  He was United’s first acquisition in 2008 but unfortunately did not get that many games under Sam Alladyce. Why? Gareth Bale and Benoît Assou-Ekotto are two popular defenders who are not really popular for their defending. This young left back is a strong tackler who is adept at keeping possession. He’s also got a potentially mean cross.

Obafemi Martins

Obafemi Martins to Aston Villa? Those of you who have followed Italian football would have known about this little speed demon long before his move to Tyneside. Yes hes fast, yes hes strong and yes hes got a pretty sweet left foot. Why? Obafemi grew to prominence playing alongside a tall, dark and somewhat handsome Brazillian. At Villa he can play alongside a tall, dark and somewhat handsome Norwegian (or an Englishman).


Sébastien Bassong to Arsenal? I honestly thought this kid was going to be the next Titus Bramble but instead he showed a lot of promise during the team’s ill fated run. Why? A young french defender who graduated from the famous Clairefontaine youth academy. The very same academy which churned out the likes of Thierry Henry and William Gallas. Don’t tell me Arsene Wenger doesn’t have a hard on just looking at this young man’s CV.

joey barton

Joey Barton to Manchester United! Here is one player who’ll almost certainly not be on the Newcastle team sheet next season. Call him whatever you want but prior to his unprovoked lunge on Xabi Alonso, Barton was Newcastle’s best player on the pitch. He plays with fire and passion which on it’s good days, mirrors the aggression and tenacity of a classic central midfielder (for what it is like on its bad days you need to google Osumane Dabo). Why? If there is anyone who can shackle inner demons its Sir Alex Ferguson. With Hargreaves on a permanent MC and Fletcher resigned to bit parting, Barton has what it takes to be a legend at OT.

Honorable mentions: The prodigal son(s) return, Michael Owen finally makes his way back to Liverpool and Kevin Nolan reunited with Big Sam at Blackburn. Lomano Lua Lua’s Brother, Kazenga Lua Lua to Portsmouth. Geremi to Fulham. Ryan Taylor to Sunderland.

Pictures used in this post taken from

Northern Downpour performed by Panic! At the Disco

5 Comments leave one →
  1. thespecial1 permalink
    June 6, 2009 9:22 am

    for a while, i thought these were actual confirmed transfers…
    intresting but IMO Barton is just your average british hooligan with a fair bit of talent and potential sometime ago…highly overrated as the brits tend to do when judging their holemland talent…furthermore i dont think he’ll get along with the current pretty boy star..:p

  2. glamorousdiss permalink*
    June 7, 2009 10:33 pm

    The Summer Sale has started! I’d be really interested to know where Bassong and Gutierrez heads off to. But I’m surprised there’s no mention of Steven Taylor! I doubt he’d want to stay in the Championship! With Rio getting older and crocked, there’s a World Cup squad place available up for grabs!

  3. June 8, 2009 4:07 pm

    I will always remember Taylor for that penalty he gave away to villa when he stopped the ball with an outstretched arm but fell to ground like a sack of potatoes clutching his ribs. Classic. Can’t believe he gave Ronnie so much shit for play acting.

    But and I say this with utmost respect for the boy seeing as he was captain of the under 21s, Stevie has got to take a number as I would rather see any one of Michael Mancienne, Nedum Onuoha, Curtis Davis and/or even David Wheater get in the senior side before he does.

  4. June 8, 2009 5:15 pm

    i love it when you use italics to emphasised your point, i can just see your hands moving about as you say that.

  5. July 31, 2009 7:33 pm

    Dear Sir or Madam
    How are you doing? Hope you are feeling good? Sir or madam we are here by informing you that we are here in the Gambia in west coast Africa, we have a football team here in the Gambia and we name out football team after your name. And we try to fine out your e-mail address to send you this message to inform you that we name our football team after your name here in the Gambia.And we are here by looking for sponsor for you people and to keep in contact, But before doing us anything we have to know each other more, and also you have to know more about our football team, to know our situation, and the performance, ect, right,,
    Sir we have our football team pictures hope you will like to see them? can i send it to you in my next mail? And also hope you will like to keep in contact with us,, you can please e-mail us at

    that all for now. we hope to hear something from you back as soon as possible.. We will be looking forward to hear from you people as soon as possible..
    we wish you all the best and good luck. Hope we hear from you people soon,.

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