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New Year sale!

December 28, 2007

Almost half the season is gone. How has your team performed? Does it need improvement? Fret not, the January sale is here! The stop-gap solution for problems unsolved in August and also the season to be selling players at over-the-top prices (think Ashley Young for 9.6million! Villa were too generous!)

Arsenal
Needs: Cover for their midfield quartet
Will probably buy: A creative midfielder who is French, 17 years of age and will incessantly be compared to an ‘aging’ Cesc Fabregas
Going away: Gilberto, to a club where he isn’t the oldest, like Juventus. Oh and Jens Lehmann.

Man Utd
Needs: An out-and-out striker
Will probably buy: Nicolas Anelka. Or risk buying another South American flop
Going away: Darren Fletcher, probably to Roy Keane’s Sunderland on loan with an option to buy since Park Ji Sung is back

Chelsea
Needs: A second Didier Drogba who isn’t African
Will probably buy: Creative players who will make the system more complicated. And probably Nicolas Anelka
Going away: Steve Sidwell, probably on loan to Porstmouth or Reading

Liverpool
Needs: A manager who will stop saying he has yet to get his ‘complete’ team
Will probably buy: Anyone who speaks Spanish and is used to getting rotated.

Portsmouth 
Needs: A whole load of players not from Africa.
Will probably buy: Steve Sidwell (He’s English!)
Going Away: Matthew Taylor

Man City
Needs: 2 decent strikers and a younger Dietmar Hamann
Will probably buy: Nery Castillo (confirmed) and one other striker from Sven’s collection of “Best of the rest” DVDs
Going away: Andreas Isaakson

Everton
Needs: Attacking fullbacks
Will probably buy: A little known fullback from the Championship and do well
Going away: James McFadden

Aston Villa
Needs: A star midfielder to complement Gareth Barry
Will probably buy: A ‘star’ midfielder from the Scottish Premier League
Going Away: Thomas Sorensen

Blackburn
Needs: A younger alternative to Tugay
Will probably buy: Another Turkish defensive midfielder
Going away:  Yet another one of their reserve keepers

West Ham
Needs: Real quality players
Will probably buy: Medium class players on world class wages
Going away: Any one of their perenially injured players

Newcastle
Needs: Fans to realise they’re not as good as they think they are (re: Just like England!)
Will probably buy: An overpriced and overrated and clumsy defender, and another flopping striker. Or someone from Bolton
Going away: Shola Ameobi

Reading
Needs: Creative players other than Stephen Hunt
Will probably buy: Justin Hoyte. Or any ex-Arsenal youth team player thats English
Going away: Do they even have a squad big enough to let go of players?

Tottenham
Needs: A entirely new defence
Will probably buy: Defenders from La Liga. Definitely not from Betis or Sevilla. More likely to be from Espanyol, Osasuna, or Villareal.
Going away: Jermaine Defoe

Birmingham
Needs: Better defenders, and perhaps a new goalkeeper
Will probably buy: One of Jens Lehmann, Thomas Sorensen or Andreas Isaakson. And loan Lasanna Diarra from Arsenal
Going away: Any of their underperforming Championship stars

Bolton
Needs: More firepower upfront
Will probably buy: A Championship striker in the physical mold of Kenwyne Jones to replace Anelka.
Going away: Nicolas Anelka

Middlesborough
Needs: A striker and a creative outlet in the centre or on the right
Will probably buy: A has-been striker/midfielder that Southgate once played with/against. And maybe Steve McLaren as director of football.
Going away: Adam Johnson, Fabio Rochemback

Wigan
Needs: Strikers not called Emile Heskey
Will probably buy: A striker not called Emile Heskey. Possibly another soon-to-be-ex-kop Peter Crouch
Going away: Anyone that Paul Jewell wants to buy for hapless Derby

Fulham
Needs: To plug the hole in defence. And replacement for the once impeccable Antti Niemi
Will probably buy: Any of the available goalkeepers on this list. And yet another Northern Irish/American international.
Going away: Seol Ki-Hyeon

Sunderland
Needs: Players who are not injury prone
Will probably buy: Ex-Man Utd trainees Mads Timm, Frazier Richardson, Fabrice Muamba and Phil Bardsley
Going away: Any player without Man Utd connections

Derby County
Needs: The season to be over so they can start over in the Championship a.s.a.p
Will probably buy: Someone who knows that they will be playing in the Championship come next season.
Going away: Giles Barnes

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