when i say ronnie, you say dick. ronnie!

Wikipedia defines Cristiano Ronaldo as a winger for Manchester United and as a captain for the Portugal national side. I, on the other hand, would call him a dickhead.

I’ve always been a fond follower of  the Ronaldo-bashing band-wagon (case exhibit 1, 2 and 3), in fact you can call me by my official title – He of He Who Hates Ronaldo-shire Manor. A title bestowed upon me by the Queen, just after Ronaldo’s initial request to be transferred to Real Madrid and then just for sentimental value after his act of petulance at Old Trafford.

Just for the record, and try to keep hush-hush, I am a Red Devils fan although nowadays I see myself as a fan of football in general (I blame it on the yearning to win the Fantasy League). And before you go calling me a disgrunted fan who turned on Ronaldo just because he wants out, I’m not. In fact, I rejoiced at the news that United accepted the offer from Real.

Whats that? I hear you say, “why does this United fan hate the (arguably) greatest player that ever graced Old Trafford so much?“. For one – there are too many other fans out there who are overly smittened by his skills on the ball and at the same time are delusional to the fact that Ronaldo is a dick. LOL, I jest. Don’t get your panties in a bunch now. I see him score a screamer, I’d shout out I love that winker.

Before I go on about his faults, I would like to say he is a great player but there’s always a time to part with greatness.

His fans – The majority of  United fans are arrogant and stubborn, and the same can be said about Ronaldo’s fans. They get easily attached to “greatness” and Ronaldo is undoubtedly one of the greatest player in the club’s history – player of the year awards galore, domestic, continental and global and so on. These fans doesn’t see the faults in “greatness” or rather embarrassingly, they would turn a blind eye when they see one. How many United fans talk extensively about his diving and cheating? Not many. Instead, the majority of fans would defend Ronaldo rentlessly as if he or she is Sir Alex Ferguson himself. These fans could have defended and acquitted OJ Simpsons if he played his football (the best kind) at Old Trafford.

His diving – Along with Chelsea’s Didier Drogba, Ronaldo is regarded as the worst offender of simulation. The more reputable he is, the worse the crime gets – a crime I like to classify as cheating. Come on, all that muscles and stature when a contact comes, he rolls around in agony and gets his way, then gets up and hey presto, he’s up and dandy, fit enough to take the penalty? No magic sponge needed. Embarassing. All that has given him a reputation of the ‘boy who cries wolf‘, which brings me to the next point.

His whingeing – OMFG. Same story – no contact, loses ball, falls crying in pain but gets no sympathy from referee, gets up and this time, waggles his finger at the direction of the referee and pout. There were some points where from the resulting lost of possession led to the team conceding a goal, sure that’s somewhat common in football but football is a team game. As a consequences of his reputation as one who dives more than Jacques Cousteau, it has cost United some decisions in the past where the possibility of other than his play-acting as being the reason of injustice are none.

His strop – Instead of going for the typical pout, he snatched a tracksuit off a staff member and threw it in disgust on the sideline. Do you know what my dear father would do to me if I did that with everyone watching?

His team-work – A sublime talent matched by his enormous self regard. He’s the star, he doesn’t have to work for the team. Although, I was surprised to see him tracking back a couple of times this season, but a couple of times is not enough for me.

His goals – It’s undeniable that United are favoured by referees, especially at home games or when Ronaldo lands a perfect 10 score. In the past season or two, how many of Ronaldo’s goals have been from open play?  How many have been from penalties or free kicks?  Take a look you might be surprised. I, myself, haven’t seen the stats but I’d be very surprised if I’m wrong.

His freekicks – Sure, they’re fun to watch over and over when the ball goes in but the ball does end up in row-Z or nearer to the corner flag more often than not. Pure waste. Compare Ronaldo’s to David Beckham’s – Beckham deliberately bends the ball into the corner of the goal while Ronaldo uniquely blasts the ball and prays to his own bronzed bod that the ball would swerve away, under the law of physics of chaos and air-flow, from the keeper.

His lies – I’ve always believe that Ronaldo will never be a United player forever, no matter how many times he pledged his future to the club in interviews. But how many times has he said on the record that he’ll be staying next season? Just before the Champions League final he said in an interview with Sky Sports that his future lies in Old Trafford, and right after the final whistle he tells the press that he will be contemplating his future while he gets his oompa loompa on.

His ego – If Kaka belongs to Jesus, then Ronaldo would say both Jesus and Kaka belongs to him. That’s how humongous his ego has gotten to. Sure, arrogance and egotistical are part parcel of being great but it sure looks ugly on him. Hopefully, he’ll learn a thing or two about modesty from Kaka when he gets to Madrid.

Gosh, I really do hope he signs for Real Madrid soon. Fingers crossed, to no more twist to this long-ass transfer saga.